Me All Day

I was born and partly raised in Los Angeles, Ca, but also partly raised in Tucson, Az. During most of my younger years I was natural. Long hair down my back natural, all the way up until I turned about 12. In California I remember there was always some boy in my ear about how pretty I was. Then I turned 10, moved to Tucson, and everything changed. Black girls aren't received, or at least weren't when I was growing up, with open arms there. Little black boys have the pick of the litter. White girls, Mexican girls, Mixed girls (Asian...yes there was a few), so where was there rooms for us? Especially with so few little black boys? 

Now don't think your going to start dating other races young lady. We don't get down like that....

So where am I left?

It wasn't until I got older that I realized how bruised my self esteem was from all this. I didn't have a great family life so unfortunately my self worth came from places it shouldn't have. And while it really shouldn't have matter what those little boys thought it did.

I tried everything I could at the time to get someone to notice me. That long thick hair.....I cut off until I had little 1 inch baby curls all over my head. It grew back, then every couple months I relaxed it and dyed it every color I could. I never felt beautiful. I repeated this process, cutting, perming, and dying every year until I turned 18.

I had a bun in the oven!

Ever since I could remember I heard the old wives tales, not to perm/dye your hair when you were pregnant. I was so conflicted with what to do. I hadn't seen my really hair color in years, let alone texture. What was I supposed to do for nine whole months? After much debate with my then husband I figured that my little baby didn't ask to be here. So I have to try and give it the best and healthiest start I can. I started what I now know as transitioning. I was always planning to start back relaxing though as soon as the baby was born and I was done breast feeding. Except, a couple months later I was pregnant again, and my whole life changed.

This time my pregnancy was different. My life was crumbling around me. I was all alone in a new state with no home to return to, and no family to turn to. Over the next nine months I began a journey with God that I never knew was possible. By the time I was ready to have my son I was mentally and spiritually stronger than I had ever been. Because I was only at home I hadn't learned to do anything different with my hair. I wore it in cornrows, puffs and ponytails. Outside of that I had no clue what I was doing. So after Jeremiah was born, and I was done breast feeding, I just went ahead and texturized it.

But I didn't feel like me anymore.

Over the course of the next year and a half I did everything again. Cut it, permed it, colored it and did it again. No matter what I didn't feel like me.

So in March of 2009 I big chopped.

I will NEVER look back. For some people it's nothing more than just hair. For me it was more than that. It was me accepting and being exactly who God made me to be, and being content with that. I'm me all day. I can't and won't be anybody else, and if you don't like that....well....that sounds like a personal issue lol.